I’d never liked change. I’d never been predictable but somehow I had always been one of those people who preferred stability. Now it seemed the world was ending and I didn’t know what to do. This was the moment I’d been dreading the last three months and suddenly it was growling, spitting and staring me right in the face.
I shuddered, wondering how it was possible to be cold this time of year, but looking back it seemed my whole summer had been frozen. Frozen away somewhere I would always be able to remember, although I couldn’t bring myself to look back. Frozen. I’d done everything I had wanted to yet nothing I’d hoped I would. So cold. Stinging, bitter tears filled my eyes, iced my cheeks, pinched my lips. I shuddered again.
“How did I get here?” I asked myself silently as if someone would hear and know what I was thinking. No one could know. No one, not even the one person I knew would understand. He was gone, and maybe that was what was making everything so hard.
He was gone.
I said the phrase over and over to myself as if that would help me grasp the concept I couldn’t seem to get a hold of. Maybe because it was so true in so many ways.
My best friend, the friend that had always been there for me, always would be, was nowhere to be seen. None of my friends were. But what did I expect? This had been my decision. I had always been fully aware of the consequences. I knew what would happen I just didn’t know it would hit me so hard, hurt so badly. That the emptiness I would feel would be so consuming.
Now I was alone, or so it seemed. My friends were gone. Even my enemies were gone. Who knew I could even miss good old “Bab Cuff”, as he liked to call himself. My dad, the one person who would ever talk to me or even look at me when I was a child, wouldn’t even talk to me. Even those select few people I was getting to know could not yet be considered a permanent part of my life yet. Yes. If being alone was defined as “ the only person you were truly able to count on was yourself” I was, indeed, alone.
Tears came to me again and I crawled into the bottom of my closet with a blanket. I wished there was someone to talk to, but no one was around. I usually spent most of the day by myself on Thursdays. Thursday. That meant tomorrow would be the beginning of the last weekend before I officially became the new kid. Again.
New. New school, new people, new teachers, new classes,. Nothing was the same and that better word change pinched me again, making my stomach twist. I couldn’t even remember why was doing this, but it was too late to go back. My decisions were final. A new chapter of my life was started. How I wished for an eraser. I wished things., people, I wished I could stay the same.
This was going to be hard. Suddenly I desperately wished I had some Nyquil. (So many wishes that would never come true.) Yes, drug abuse is of course bad, but sometimes you just needed to sleep, to disappear. It really couldn’t be that bad for you if it kept you sane. I curled up tighter into my corner, as if I could melt away into the ugly, speckled carpet, and I sat.
I sat for what seemed like hours. Then I was done being sad. I was done pitying myself. I knew I needed to grow up and face the world like a big girl no matter how hard I thought it had punched me in the face. Grow up, I told myself again and again (as if that would help).
So many things were different and new, so many things scared me. (Grow up.) But I really had had an amazing summer. All the laughs, the last reunion with my old life. The late nights, the adventures. All the many, many more reasons to be sad about the summer’s end.
I was thankful, though. Thankful that I had gotten the chance to do the things I had. No regrets. No turning back. Grow up. I bit my lip to so I would have a more physical pain to focus on. One that I could understand instead of letting tears slip. Grow up. Grow up, grow up.
I finally decided to listen to myself, and got up and out of the closet. I turned to the window, wondering how, yet somehow knowing I would be ok. (Or at least hoping I would be.) The world hadn’t fallen from the sky, or at least I hadn’t realized it yet, and that was good. I still needed the blanket, and I wished it would rain so I would know I wasn’t the only sad thing in the universe, but there wasn’t a cloud in sight. Instead I looked around outside and it was beautiful. Everything was green, as if summer had just begun. Beautiful. And the sun was setting, one more time.
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